21st March 2013:
Every day for me was a lesson in disguise. It was teaching me something or the other. I was wondering what this day was to teach me about. And the news came, that no more plasma would be given to me because of the episode of the day before. So, now what? Nothing was clear. As such the plasma dialysis cycles were to be completed and each cycle happened on an alternate day. Besides, getting plasma for my blood group was becoming difficult. So the question was, “what next?”
Sometimes, impatience can tumble all positivity just like toppling a pack of cards stacked neat. Also, Dr. Vyas had not visited that day. And I wondered, what was it? Did they find something abnormal in me again? Am I kept in the dark? What would be the next step? What is the next day going to be like? Will I ever get discharged from here? Will I see my home again? And the fears were coming back. I felt cold and numb. I cried my heart out. My sobs were so loud that a few nurses came down and tried consoling me. The good part was I felt light and the not so good part was, no one knew my problem as much as I did. And at that precise moment, my throat started paining like never before. I could feel the riles tube prick the inner skin of my throat and the burning sensation came with a temperature that again set the alarm off. I was given a paracetmol shot in the night to bring down my temperature. That night, I hallucinated. I was drawn into an unreal world where strange images splashed, sounds were loud, yet incoherent, saw strange faces, faces I had never seen before and mind was in a trance watching the unreal world sink into me. At 4 AM in the morning, I woke up with a start and was relieved to find myself in that quiet room. I saw my parentsand my husband sleeping soundly. I calmed down. Then, I called for the nurse and begged her to get me some water. But as protocols would have it, I was denied water. My throat was so parched that I felt I would die of thirst. I waited for the morning. I waited for Dr. Vyas. I wanted that damn tube removed from my system. And I knew I could only wait…..
Lines on that day: Sometimes you dont realize what you want, sleep or pain? dreams or nothing? Mind is blank…..