11th March 2013:
As I entered the hospital premises of Rajshree Hospitals Indore, with my world, I waited impatiently for the doctor to arrive. With time, my impatience was building up. I wanted to hear the words, “It’s nothing. Just a sore throat gone awry. It will be treated within a week of medication.” My turn came at 12 and I explained everything to the doctor by action and in writing. He examined me, checked my nerve points, and examined my throat and eyes. The words that came from him shook the ground beneath me. Although I was on the examination table, I could clearly hear what was being said to my father and my husband. “Her problem is not psychological. It is a neuro problem and we need to admit her right away. And she cannot be fed orally. “ Even after I regained my composure, I thought my stay in the hospital wont exceed a couple of days. After all, what was it that had happened? The doctor was not disclosing anything and he said he would not disclose until my diagnosis is complete.
I was admitted the very day. Salines were injected and with some antibiotics. A riles tube was inserted nasally through my nose as I could not take anything orally, not even water. The procedure of insertion did not pain. I smiled for a moment that it did not pain. However, that smile slowly turned to heart wrenching sobs as I understood why it did not pain. My throat muscles had gone numb. They were paralysed. My vision that was earlier double now blurred not letting me see anything clearly. I could not focus on anything. That moment of realization brought out the most irrational form of cold fears in me. What the hell was wrong with me? Will I ever get ok? Will I see my world again? Will I see my son turn two? Will I celebrate my fourth anni? Will I experience the love of my parents, the kisses of my son and the bear hugs of my husband? Fear of unknown is the most terrible fear I have known. It is cold and it is terrifying. I wanted the moment to pass. And I waited for the clock to tick away as fast as possible……
Lines on that day: What would I not give in this world to hold my son to my bossom again…..