Today morning I had posted a message on Face Book that came back a few hours later to let me know of a mistake I happened to make without understanding it to be a mistake. I am not sure if the fit of the moment made me go red with shame or blue with anger, but for that precise moment when I was reprimanded for a situation I put myself in, my mind went blank. Perhaps, my physical mind was urging me and almost convinced me for a moment there, that I could not be admonished for something that I had already accounted for. The anger was purging up as the person who had targeted me did not for a second, consider my side of the story. The mind was playing even murkier games as the feeling of being cornered, the feeling of being judged by people who had no relevance in my matters and the feeling of being branded snobbish even by people who I was just getting introduced to, was not really savory. It took me a while to understand my own mind games that almost brought me to an extent where tears would have probably flown out invoking unsolicited empathy from people around and worse, getting incited all the more.
I would not say, am not affected by the above incident. I am. I am a human after all. More so, it has been the first time since my school days when I have been reprimanded for an accidental situation that seemed to make a simple matter way too complicated for me. And today when I was caught in this awkward situation (thanks to my own screwed up judgment of having overlooked the lapses caused by me in certain aspects of my duties), I was caught off guard when the volley of words struck me even as I could not figure out how it all started. I suddenly became a shammer!! Or, am I really?
And, for those precise moments, my mind went wild with unruly thoughts. “I have been doing my level best to make things work in all aspects for me and my subordinates. But then, I am tired of playing a diplomat all the time. I am tired of choosing my words, every time I want to speak. I am tired of editing the words in my head lest they gush out unfiltered. I am tired of being too careful all the time. I am just tired of not being able to discuss matters as freely as before. I am tired of the pretension, despite the mask that holds on to my face like a parasite and refuses to go away when I badly want to be heard the way I speak. Sometimes, I feel my personality is undergoing a phase shift of 180 deg and I am barely able to relate to the person I once was.”
But then, maturity comes with roadblocks. And this was my lesson today. I had two choices in hand. Either I could have cribbed about my predicament and probably tried to nail the person responsible for my ‘humiliation’ (Of course, which grown up likes to get scolded in public?) OR I could dig back into my situation and see for myself the places I might have possibly gone tactically wrong and think about rectifying those. Thankfully, I want to move ahead from this fiasco and this is what the post is all about.
In retrospect, when I look back at the hard times I faced in life, I just figured out that I have faced far worse fears one of them having battled a medical condition that was on the verge of taking me away from my family, my world. And it is here, I feel I need to outgrow the feeling of becoming too comfortable with life. I need to become more thick skinned to the insidious motives of acerbic tongues and assuming minds. After all, Life is always going to throw curve balls. If I have crossed almost 30 years of my life with a lot of jigsaw hurdles, all I can say is, I am prepared to battle some more as usual J
And yes, the message I posted holds entirely true for me on this day!! Boy, do I love social networking or what!