Deadlines, pressure, chaos…..I need them!


I wonder if I would have really loved a picture perfect life that satiated every said desire on a platter. Something on the lines of home resembling a museum, every thing placed exactly where it should be, lampshades adorning the side walls, beautiful beige curtains, some madhubani pots with a calm Buddha sitting in a corner peg table, a beautiful liquor cabinet with some quotes on the goodness of it, fresh brass pots with fresh flowers and pebbles, and yes, the dream just goes on with no end! However, some dreams are good only as dreams when it concerns me! And, you shall know why! While there was a time when I craved for calmness and serenity, I have realized it off late that I am not cut out to enjoy a prolonged period of tranquility nor, I am fit to be taking care of delicate items that do catch my eye but not my soul! Sometimes the soul craves for chaos, a motion, a rattle, a shift……that let us see things above and beyond what we love to possess, but may not necessarily love.

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As much as I claim to detest chaos in life, I realized a part of me cannot live without it! Not that I realized the big statement over night, but it took me all these years of graying (yes, yours’ truly has crossed over into the thirties!) to understand how well I relate with pressures, deadlines and chaos. For someone who is perpetually victimized by procrastination, a deadline, a plan change, a chaos, a pressure is that rope of survival, the destiny throws at me. Every. Single. Time! Like on regular days, you can envision me as a five feet three inch Garfield, sitting and procrastinating about every mandatory task like tidying up the home, getting the groceries and, preparing mouth watering lunches and dinners by ignoring my blog space. And then, on some days I am suddenly overwhelmed by OCD and indulge in house keeping like a pro, dishing out biryanis and carmamel custards! I appear to be a confusing paradox to my hubby, a fauji (my son is a subtler version of me which is why he is the only one who relates with my nature!). Since, the hubby has never been able to understand the faulty flips in my system, he has finally resigned to the fact that I sustain in chaos. And, I look back at him and sigh, “You are not the first to feel that!”

It is not very often when a genetic sequence evolved from two highly intelligent and disciplined individuals, with a B +tive blood group leads to a chaos loving frenetic feline with zero concentration and, with a B –tive blood group after a long gap of 10 long years. (Oh yes, I was biologically late to the family party) So, of the many shenanigans that reflected the disorderliness in my system, I remember how parents thought a study table would get me out of my love with the floor during my study time! And arrive, it did! That later became my dumping ground as I still chose the pillow and, the floor to sit and read/write. The books were placed in a messy manner around me. And, it baffled and annoyed my parents to no end! My study table was later given away to our gardener which, I believe was the best thing that happened for both the gardener and us. As my parents and hubby ponder deeply over my attraction towards anything that is un-orderly and frantic, I am beginning to understand that it has always been a part of my reality and, it will, always.

When I watched Heath Ledger, the Joker dish out the raw, honest and, jaw cutting statement on chaos, I was totally in awe of the essence.

“Introduce a little anarchy, upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos, I’m an agent of chaos , and you know the thing about chaos? It’s fair.

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Very true. Chaos is fair, although in shades of black! I am not justifying the actions of the character Joker but, there is a great deal of sense he makes about the term – chaos. Sometimes, the rattling is needed to keep things moving. A deviation from the normal lets you perceive things in a different manner. For instance, eating an idli or a dosa with a spoon and a fork may appear classy! But then, dunking your fingers into the idli and mixing it with the freshly coconut chutney and sambhar and, eating it with relish may not appear classy. It looks chaotic! It may even kill some classy people’s motivation to eat. But, I would probably see the love of that person for the food he eats. Like, Ajoy Joshi, renowned chef mentioned in the Food Safari series about the importance of touching the ingredients of the food, and the food with hands! You may watch the video here. That said, even Italians love to eat with their hands, as I have observed in many of their food shows.

The issue with the world is, the shift from the normal is not perceived with an open mind. When a stone is thrown into the water, it creates ripples. Ripples create designs. Designs are the bulwark of an idea waiting to take shape somewhere. Even mother nature plays around a little bit with chaos, although her ‘little bit’ is either magnanimous or cataclysmic by nature. Either way, the chaos she leaves behind always damages people first and then, brings out the best or worst in them. A lot also depends on how human minds perceive chaos. A battered man can either rise like a phoenix or, turn into a pain inflicting machine. The science of it shall remain a mystery.

Sometimes, when I see my son upturning everything at home, I wonder – “Why are we repulsed towards un orderliness?” (No, I am not talking about cleanliness because I very much believe in clean floors, clean clothes and clean food!) For instance, my son does not allow me to throw away a carton that I cannot think of having any use for it. And, my boy surprises me by making a house out of it, sometimes making it as a shed for his toy animals and, at other times using it as his writing pad! A sheet of covering paper with net like structure is a hunter’s net for him and, he replays the story of the lion and the mouse using it. An empty tube of pen is a tunnel for the little insects my son is keen on collecting from every crevice of our home! And, cushions and bean bags at our home are best used as hurdles of a hurdle race and, it is a delight to watch the son jump over it with all his might. There are countless instances I can narrate about how a preschooler’s imagination trumps the ideal house keeping business every single time. And, it hits me all of a sudden – “Will I be able to narrate all this, enjoy all this, savour all this, if I was more keen on how exactly a home should emulate a museum!?” I love art but, I hate museums.

Look around and, Mother nature is the biggest and the finest example of how art is nurtured. Trees grow where they thrive. They grow in weird shapes and sizes and yet, all of them are masterpieces in their own way. What does Mother nature use to churn out such breath taking landscapes, unevenly sloped mountains and multi colored rivers and oceans? Imperfections! She adds imperfections in the form of cracks, rough patches, grotesquely formed rocks and marshy waters! And, imperfections and chaos go hand in hand. Don’t they?

Chaos is beautiful, if we understand it the way it benefits our life. I associate it with an artist filling his sheets with abstract segments of his imagination. I associate it with a variety of phenomenon that are in continuous motion and, happening at a microscopic level. I associate it with the beautiful perceptions of a five year old when he builds something organic out of the ‘throw it away’ paraphernalia and, quips with joy – “See mum! What I made!”

As for Heath Ledger, if he were there somewhere listening to his fans, I would say – “The way you mesmerized me with your act in the movie, I was overwhelmed. And I will never believe that you are dead! You continue to live in art and, you shall forever remain a legend for me!”

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P.S: I love the pressures and deadlines of the work I am doing from home. It allows me to write and delve into a world of words and, weave them as per the client’s requirements! Besides, I am also interning at Women’s Web and, pursuing a degree alongside in technical writing. And at the same, I am trying my best to be a part of all social engagements I am expected to be a part of! Yes, I am playing the part of a mad juggler, sometimes enthusiastic and sometimes weary! I do have more misses than hits in whatever I am doing. But then, the pressure is on. The chaos is on. And, the house keeping business has gone for a toss! And, I am absolutely loving it!

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One thought on “Deadlines, pressure, chaos…..I need them!

  1. Pingback: The guilty mother ~ Part 2 | Swimming in an ocean of thoughts.....

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