I have been a strong believer in optimism. Certain incidents in life made me see the power in optimism. Although, the same incidents have also scarred me in an indelible way. Despite my countless shares on how optimism is a great food for soul, I too am bothered at times. Just because I share a lot of good anecdotes from my life, it does not mean I am free from pessimism. And, when I talk about negativity, it does not concern others but, myself. This storm of negativity comes in the form of panic attacks, anxiety, ennui, a feeling of going no where, and some times, feeling the emptiness when there is nothing more creative left to do. Yes, there are such cloudy days too amidst the dollops of sunshine moments. It is on those days especially, I crave for the Sun to come out of hiding and tell me –“Hey! Everything is going to be fine! After all, you are my baby sunshine!” There have been countless monologues between me and the celestial bodies while I was growing up. Yes, those were the monologues I could hear myself as much as the Sun, the Moon and the stars and all the existing planets could hear me. And I thought, I couldn’t hear them…..
But that is not what triggered me to write this post which is a cross between the rant and the vent. And, venting does a better job than ranting. Doesn’t it?
Off late, I have been going in and out of “I don’t know what is wrong with me” syndrome. Not that I am turning into a off-putting person, but I do get the strong urge to run away from reality rather than facing it. Especially when health issues crop up, panic attacks return reminding me of some terrible times I had in the past. And then, I look at the surroundings, the plants, the trees, the insects, the strays, the simians, the birds and all the normal happenings that make the everyday grind. All are perishables. But they are living the life they have been gifted with. And, so should I – says Mother Nature. And, when I look at my parents, I am awestruck! Both have countless health issues but, they are so driven by their duties and work routine that they barely get time to worry. So, am I as busy as them? Perhaps, no. But, am I as busy as I should be. Yes, I am. If yes, why am I not relaxed? That is perhaps because I have created a 100 horrible scenarios in my head and, am constantly worrying about them.
Worry – it is a hurdle I stumble across quite often. It is quite difficult to explain my state of mind to someone who could probably advise me on how to lead a healthy life, how to be free of negative thoughts and how to keep oneself busy. The point is, I am busier than busy! I can’t catch enough time for myself. I do the household chores like mopping the floors, cleaning the kitchen, working from home (full time), taking care of son’s studies and, my own too (off late, my study part has gone for a toss).Dawn quickly becomes noon, noon quickly becomes dusk and, dusk becomes night in the blink of an eye. And, I am like a busy bee trying to find a chunk of my time to de clutter my thoughts. If someone were to ask my schedule, it is insane. It has been a while since I spoke to someone on phone. And, I turn to social networking not because I have time, but because I want to gather those tiny inconspicuous words of wisdom left like bread crumbs by people I know and, know not. Yes, I need to read. And importantly, I need to write, besides my professional writing gig.
On certain days, I dread if my work gets over quickly! Because, the moment it does, the stark reminder of how I have and had let my health fail me makes me feel miserable. It is also strange that I don’t like meeting people a lot these days. Maybe, I am seeking frequencies that are difficult to find. Should I tune my frequencies? No, I am not willing to. Something in my nature doesn’t allow it. I cannot pin point what it is. But whatever that is, I am sure, has more often than not, saved me from a plethora of Pandora boxes I have intentionally tried to open! But now, I need a bit of a change. Maybe, I just want to move away from the daily grind for a while. A vacation, perhaps? I am banking on the possibility now.
Another thing that has been bothering me off late is travel phobia. I am not even sure when I caught it. But it has been bothering me for a while now. I love to travel a lot. But, the beginning of a journey no matter what puts me in jitters, for reasons I know not. Yes, it is a fear without a reason, perhaps with a reason that stays in the oblivion.
Fear – It is the joker in the deck of cards played by destiny. How will it play for me? How do I will it to play for me? Maybe I have the choice to toy with it. Do I? I have been a strong believer in the power of fear too. Many may not have comprehended this. But, I have discovered that fear is a facade for courage. It is like the glass that gives you a choice to look through but does not necessarily propel you to break it. Sometimes, when the view gets clearer, the glass is broken. It is a gossamer sheath of terror that also becomes the trajectory of courage when that sheath pushes the self to the wall! It is a strange emotion. It is a negative emotion. But, it also gives you a choice to either dwell in it, or break the film and move past it!
And, as I write this post, I know I am trying hard to remove a chunk of my disoriented thoughts on the space assuming it would give me some space to rejoice. Every time, I look back at the struggles I had (a difficult pregnancy, a brush with a life threatening condition and, the nightmares that continue to follow of which I never spoke much to anyone), my faith is restored with the fact – “If I have come this far in life, I can still go way ahead“
And, in the cloud of darkness that I battle to disperse, I know how blessed I am to have the most understanding hubby, an adorable and loving son and, very inspiring parents. And importantly, I know now I have to be strong. That is what I keep telling myself every time. I have to be strong for my son, hubby and family. I was given a second lease of life in 2013. Now, I have to guard it against all the negativity, come what may. The path ahead could be tough. If run I cannot, but walk, I will. I am sure, I will.