Spiders, traps and souls.


A few months back, I got a mosquito bat since the mosquitoes have become absolutely immune to coil and Good Night! And presently, my garden is swarming with them as the weather has mellowed down and, is at the moment conducive for both us and them. So, winging the bat gave me the feel of a she-dragon creating fire and unleashing it on the unsuspecting enemies whose sole aim was to drink my family’s blood! And on one fine day, when I was almost done with the massacre of mosquitoes, I saw a sly one flying towards the ceiling. No matter how high I jumped on the bed, I could not bring the bat and the insect face to face. And, while I was trying out almost every Monkey King posture (The Forbidden Kingdom and the Monkey King have indeed taught me a lot in dealing with non-humans), the elusive Anopheles continued to evade my attacks. So, while I was almost balancing on a single left toe, on the bed, with my left palm resting against the wall with my right hand with the bat raised high enough to reach the smirking insect, I almost thought I was going to fall off the bed, not only giving the mosquito its victory but also, adding a physical injury to my defeat! But then, the Puppeteer had other plans! The mosquito danced its way away from my bat and, boy! Did it land? Where and how!

The fine strings of the invisibly light web not only escaped my sight but also my enemy’s! Yes, the spider had a feast that day as the unsuspecting mosquito landed straight in the web. Somehow, I had mixed feelings that day. Now, let me be honest. I bat the blood out of mosquitoes not out of disgust but out of self defense, which is not unusual. Won’t you kill mosquitoes knowing how they enjoy human blood? However, I detest spiders as much as I respect them for their undying resilience. Not because they are hideous looking with the extra pair of legs but, because they bring in the concept of TRAP! They show you what you want and not, what they plan to do with you once you have arrived in their paradise. I still feel like Lil Miss Muffet with spiders around. And, that is what fills me with a strange sense of horror at times. That horror is – Fear of Unknown.

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I am not a fearless woman. I never was. But there was a time, when I probably pretended to be strong and fearless. 2013 broke that charade for good. Because, that year I learned about the power of fear. Until that year, I was not so wary of the said emotion. It felt good to preach people about being fearless. But, my brush with myasthenia gravis in 2013 changed my perception of fear. The cold shivers that went down my spine on the first day of attack is still fresh even though 4 years have passed by. That stormy phase of my life set in with my loss of speech over night. And when it happened, the first emotion was shock. That shock later culminated in a horrifying form of fear when I temporarily lost my ability to see the world clearly. Now, it was not unusual for people to face health issues. But when things go from good to bad, from bad to worse, from worse to “on my way to kick the bucket”, in a span of two days with no prior warning, the word unusual would be an understatement. The days that followed filled me with terrible nightmares as my son was just two years old then. I felt the first wave of what they call – the blow of the void!

With the onset of that nightmarish episode in my life, I felt I had stepped in a trap. However, the Puppeteer who saw me get into the trap was also the one who guided me out of it. Yes, in that phase, I was very angry. Angry with the Puppeteer. For the first time in life, I had no fear of Him. I perhaps spoke to Him in my head baring my absolute self in front of Him. That phase passed too. My belief in Puppeteer became stronger after I healed slowly and steadily in the care of my family and friends, again His creation. But in that period, I also learned of a greater agony, a greater pain. And, it was the unfathomable ache that comes over people who love us with their life, while we lie stone cold on the judgment slab, waiting for the Puppeteer’s decision. That ache………..that stabbing pain……cuts deep………………

And yesterday, I felt not just that pain but to an extent, the void too. A soul that we knew for over three years crossed over to the other world leaving behind his doe eyed beloved, his parents, his friends and the many who lit up seeing that bright smiling face. The shock of having lost this beautiful soul that I talk of, is still taking its time to sink. No one will ever be able to understand the bereavement felt by the soul mate. Maybe, we can feel the empathy. But that void….none can feel but the soul mate. That couple was a young couple that had evolved like children in front of our eyes. Whenever I saw them, my heart swelled with joy, the same joy that is felt when marveling at children’s laughs and giggles. And yesterday, his demise left behind a shock, a vacuum. The incidence of his demise played and re-played in my head for a long time. In all the times it played, I felt like screaming out aloud – “No! Don’t walk there.”  All my thoughts revolved around the zillion possibilities of how it could be undone if the Puppeteer re-winded time. But Hubby’s words brought me back to the real world – “What has happened has happened. One can only look and go forward from here. “

No matter how hard I tried, I could not shake it out of my head, which is also one of the reasons I am letting my thoughts out here. I am yet to accept the fact that he had crossed over leaving his beautiful child like beloved behind. I cannot believe in the reality that there will never be a next time to meet them as a couple. And worse, I cannot bring myself to imagine how the soul mate is currently dealing with the void that life had cruelly thrown at her with no fore warning.

Memories of a lifetime created together, places traveled far and wide, brisk walks and long yaps, promises of growing old together with all the zest, now felt like a stinger. The journey remains to be covered, however. My father subtly mentioned the other day – We all have that train to catch, child. Some board early, while some arrive late. All we need to do is brace ourselves, with enough Hope and Faith.

Sometimes, life throws us traps and, we quite boldly walk into them. We walk into them with no semblance of the word – danger just like this beautiful soul did. That itself goes to prove the humongous faith we have in the Puppeteer. Perhaps, He has his reasons which we may never know of. It is His stage after all and we, are his puppets.

That said, I have faith in you, Puppeteer. Show us all, the way as you have, always.

Amen.

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