It is a strange thing that I began writing about this feeling a month back and, I could not finish it for some reason. There were breaks, some inevitable blocks and then some well thought pauses. The intuition was perhaps not against writing about it. It was perhaps waiting for the perfect moment, the perfect time to pen down. And today, after a month of having thought about penning down my thoughts about it, I feel I am at a bit more better predicament for blogging.
Blogging – this has been my life line for the past eight years. There are thoughts in my head that the real world may not understand. But, this world does. A world where there is some teenager in the wild wild west reading my poems and, leaving a compliment that my words touched her in ways she cannot express, makes me feel good about myself. For some stranger out there, my words may have meant a lot, the same way some random stranger’s words of kindness may have calmed my jittery nerves. And believe me when I say this – A stranger appreciating your creation is the most genuine form of compliment because it comes from an unbiased perspective.
Sometimes, a stranger may understand your depth in emotions better than the ones around you. And, sometimes, your own flow of thoughts that flood your word pads may make you a stranger to your close ones.
This is where, I have come to believe that each one of us is a book of unread chapters. You just know each other by the cover or perhaps, by the first few pages. There is so much more underneath. Layers of complexities and hidden emotions continue to unravel at each phase. And, as every chapter in life unfolds, every subsequent layer peels off itself to surprise the world.
It is a revelation.
It used to surprise me earlier when I would break away from a crowd all of a sudden. Most of the time, the unexplained and impulsive quits happened when the energy levels did not match for me. And, if it were me from a decade earlier, I would have probably rebelled or resigned to the energies that operated at a different frequency. But then, time changes a lot in each one of us. A few grey curls on the head do not bask in wisdom for no reason. Each one us comes with a choice to sync with the energies. Yes, the choice.
The choice to speak or, not to. The choice to be or, not to be. The choice to do or, not to do.
After all these years, I am far more content in my space. I am content with the fact that I may know few people but they are the ones that I can trust myself with. I am aware of the truth that it is more of those delirious thoughts than the others’ actions that could cause me harm. And, I clearly know the importance of walking away from a situation that I cannot help with.
Talking about social life, the phases for me have been vibrant as I see them, along with the grey shades. Or, let me put it this way – I had a better social life in the previous station than the present one. Currently I am in a station where my social life is limited to a few events and gatherings. Did it affect me in the beginning? Yes, it did. I started expecting the same energy bands in the new station. I expected girlfriends who could laugh heartily with no inhibitions, the ones that enjoyed the babbles and stories of my son who was a preschooler then, the ones that visited my chaotic home and yet, enjoyed with and accepted the flustered host in me, the ones that accepted me for who I am. Yes, I made good friends who understood the kind of conversations I indulged in and, took part in them. I can still remember how we waited for the husbands to push off so that, we could enjoy tea, home baked cakes and conversations that steered from evolution to geography, from natural to super natural, from relationships to spirituality, from history to politics and, what not. The conversations were everything but gossip. Every time we were pulled back in the grind by our husbands, children (two legged and four legged), the end of those discussions always left some fodder for thought for some new discussions. Agreeing to disagree was synonymous with accepting different perceptions of life with grace. It felt as though the truth in the world has many sides and, we will never be aware of every side in one lifetime.
Most of the topics that we discussed may have seemed quite out of place between women. However, for us such conversations meant deep. We connected at certain levels. And importantly, they were by my side when I battled a debilitating health condition. They understood me, gave me the space I needed and, importantly gave me all the optimism I needed to look forward. That is why, I call them my soul sisters. The ones that know me like not many people do.
But the reality dawned on me soon. We were all nomads. We all moved to different places. And yet, we chatter endlessly through whatsApp, and pull each other’s legs like minions!
They say, expectations are the root cause of human’s worst disappointments.
So, expectations, when I came to new place filled me with desires to seek the same tribe. Not that I did not know it. But the experience was nevertheless draining. It took me a while to get a drift of the paradigm shift in my life. Hubby used to console me in those days – “Look! You cannot find good friends everywhere. And, soul sisters….not a chance! That is why, they are rare. And consider yourself lucky that you know what you seek. I know how you feel. But then, we all have to move on, look forward keeping in mind the good times and, hoping for them to happen again.”
I am a staunch believer in the importance of girlfriends in a woman’s life. If husbands are soul mates, girlfriends are soul sisters! Although I could extend an olive branch and, make friends and acquaintances in the new place, I believed firmly in taking the pause. And, I am enjoying the pause period yet. In the past two years, it has healed my pain, my ache, my anticipations. Sometimes, not being a part of a big crowd is also a blessing in disguise, especially when in a crowd, there are so many things one comes to know, things that do not make much sense in the real world, leaving aside the talks of the town. The realization is at the moment, comforting.
Surprisingly, after two years of limited social activity as compared to the previous station, I have started enjoying my own company immensely. After seeing the son off to school, I have these morning hours to myself, few of the days in a week when my work load is less. And in those hours, I work out at home, have a good breakfast, read a few books and, browse through quotes on social networking. The quotes always give me a cue to write about something. On some days, I take my laila – my activa and, go around the station side market, pack myself some nice piping hot moong dal kachoris and jalebis. On some days, I just go without a wallet and, just for fun to see how a city comes to life in the morning hours. Routine – the much needed aspect of a human life. It gives you the motivation to hope for better things in life. And, different kind of breaks in the same routine give you a perspective (my pet preach).
And then, there are some lovely segments of my routine that shall never change. To joke with the hubby about my goof ups remains an integral part of my routine (hubby is currently out of station and yet, he patiently hears my rants, poetic musings and sweet nothings! Did I say, his word play is simply magic! I could hear him speak all day. Unfortunately, I was the one born with the habit of incessant talking!) Then, to cuddle my son while he sleeps at night, to speak to my parents each day and hear them out (they are my pillars of strength) and, to listen to Vishnu sashranamam and skanda sashti kavacham every morning and evening are those parts of my day that infuse me with an optimism that remind me that no matter how rough the tides play out, the verve to surf on must burn bright all the time.
I am not a religious person. Neither, am I a frenzied temple hopper. But, there is one thing I strongly believe in – The Omnipresence. True its meaning, it is everywhere and, it watches over all of us all the time. And for some reason, this quote on FB reminded me of gratitude. And, I thanked the Omnipresence for not just having given me things that I wished for but also, for those He gave me without me asking Him for them!
Every day is a blessing.
Every moment is a times space where there is some lesson being written.
And, each person I meet was ordained to be known to me.
On that note, a good night to all readers. May you have beautiful dreams and, good thoughts. Night, Night….Sleep tight….. 😀