Disconnect to Connect ~ Part 4


Pregnant fears are meant to scar you, sear you, braise you, grill you and, torch you. How else, will you know what Faith means? 

Ever since I started writing this series – Disconnect to Connect, I feel the noise in my head slowly diffusing away. I would rather put it as – a free flowing river that knows no boundaries. Thoughts need way to move ahead. They are those electrons that need to be channeled in a route that yields purpose. Else, rogue electrons cause havoc by seeding pregnant fears. Oh! Pregnant fear! It is such an underrated demon. We don’t anticipate it coming. We don’t acknowledge its existence. We believe we are brave enough to tackle anything until, the pregnant fear decides to unveil its pawn and checkmate you!

Have you ever been psychologically scarred?

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“Have you ever been psychologically scarred?” – I was asked this question long back. Psychological scarring, I believed, was a hoax. I admit with all humbleness that, I believed it to be just another jargon to add more cautions and red alerts in the health world. And, I continued believing it until I faced the pregnant fears for the first time in the year 2013. For reasons known best to me, this year will remain an important landmark in my life. And, I have been blogging about this every now and then. Not because, I want to brag about it but because, I feel it is my moral obligation to remind myself that life is a gift and, pains and gains are just takeaways that tag along. Yes, I need constant reminders lest the pregnant fears threaten me again.

It is that year that taught me how important our own life is, more than the others’ more so, knowing how the other lives depend on our own well being.

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The war my rogue immune system waged against me…..The day ‘I’ turned against me…..The time, my doppelganger threatened me in the most feral way……… 7th March’13 – The day I was thrown from the comforting cocoon of love, amazement and wonder into a war where I was my own soldier, my own saarthi and, my own nemesis!

While I lay in ICU in March ’13, oscillating between worlds I did not comprehend, I came quite close to questioning God, rather launched an acerbic diatribe on HIM and the Universe –

“Why? Why me? You cannot do this to me! This is wrong at so many levels! You snatched away my MIL when my husband was barely 11 years old. And, do you intend doing the same to my son? You cannot be so heartless! I have my parents to take care of. I have to take care of my husband and son. I have to take care of my father in law. And, you cannot turn your face away now. I have so much to do yet………..”

(somewhere the tirade transformed into kneeling and pleading in the other dimension where I could visualize myself  at the mercy of Universe)

“Please, give me a second chance. I will take my life seriously. I will not take it for granted. Please, my family needs me. You of all must know!”

That was the moment, the nasal twine started disappearing after I had lost my speech and, suffered from a blurred vision. However, there was a far deeper message for me from that night. I reckon now, how silent my mind became when I had cried the whole night facing my worst fears. I came quite close to being pushed off the cliff. That fear of drowning in an abyss of nothingness was more terrifying than anything dark to name. Fear of unknown is like a bolt from the blue. It shifts your core in a split second. It is like a landslide, an earthquake, a tsunami that comes with subtle warnings that are barely understood. I took a year to heal.

On one of my follow up visits, I remember the kind words of the neurosurgeon Dr. Vyas, who treated me –

“Narayani! You have healed to the best of my knowledge. But, you have a bigger battle to fight. You have to face your fears now. And the only way to do it is, accepting that whatever flip happened in your system was a judgmental error of your immune system. And that, you need to stop feeling afraid. Your condition is something like the landslide that happened in Uttarakhand. There is no more reason to it than an unplanned cloudburst or a sudden receding of the sea….., none that I could pin point. After all, what happened to you, happens to one in a million people.”

After all, Dr Vyas acknowledged that I was his first case with that condition and that, psychological scarring would not be abnormal in my case. Later, the husband to make me smile, held me close and said – “Even Amitabh Bachhan suffered from the same condition and, it took him a long while to recover!” Was it supposed to make me feel better? I adore AB. That day, I did feel better. And, AB inspires me no matter how he may have erred as a human. I do love him a lot.

Life is a beautiful gift. And, Faith is such a warm feeling, elixir of life actually. However, you realize it only after you face the acid test yourself. Yes, it takes an enormous amount of mental energy to give life to that word – Faith! And, for someone who has begged the Universe to give a second chance, take it from me – Faith comes alive only after you know how deep you could fall and, the chance to fly was given right at the moment when the foot slipped! That tiny instant of uncertainty is all it takes to build the word Faith!

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2013 unlocked a dam of pregnant fears I never knew, existed. I would be lying if I say I do not harbor them now. There are nights when I don’t get sleep still. Sometimes, over thinking makes me feel worse. Someone once told me that such unexplained incidents scar you psychologically and that, it is normal to get affected. Does it? Maybe. Yes, I have suffered nightmares in the past four years. I am sure they will continue to visit me. Maybe, there is a hidden message in them too, from the Universe. But this time, my instinct calms me down and convinces me – These nightmares have a purpose. You shall discover the purpose when the time is ripe. After all, every cloud has a silver lining.

And, on nights when I am attacked by disturbing dreams led by demons from past, I instantly listen to Kanda Shasti Kavacham and Vel Maral, as suggested by my mother. And, sleep comes after a while. Every morning after that year, when I have woken up, the first thing I have done is thank the Universe for listening to me. I still do. I may forget birthdays and anniversaries but, I will never be able to forget 7th March’13, the day I learned the importance of fears and how, it connects us to the Universe with faith.

In hindsight, I believe there was a sign for me, a bread crumb perhaps that the Universe had left for me. It is a strange thing that when I was getting admitted on that day, the Gulmohar tree in front of my block (in the prev station) was drying up. It was as if the leaves had fallen off all of a sudden. For a strange reason, that image was stuck in my head the day I was wheeled into the hospital. A month later when I was discharged, I came back to see small leaves appearing on that tree. As days passed, many fresh leaves started sprouting. That was the first sign I got from Nature. Maybe, because I discovered the importance of solitude wherein, I could sit and listen to the signals that the elements were sending me.

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Four years have gone by. Ever since, every sunrise and every sunset feels unique for me. They are never the same. Every day, the dawn and dusk emerge with myriad patterns as if throwing a message to the Earthlings– Every day will be a different test.

My eyes still well up when I see a mother monkey cuddling her baby in my garden. Did I ever take time to notice anything other than humans in the past? I am overwhelmed by the sight of a mother peacock trying to test the agility and pro activeness of her babies! There is so much to learn from these mothers. They too get annoyed with their kids and yet, guard them with their lives!

Sometimes, I simply stand for a few seconds on the long walking plaza during morning walks to just admire the lush green foliage emanating an orange-ish yellow tinge when the first rays of Sun fall on it. And, the unexplained chaos in the way the clouds align themselves in the sky seem to throw a jigsaw puzzle at me. In the next station, I need a terrace. I am sure, I will get it!

The treatment I underwent then, had some side effects that I am battling still. But, I am not complaining about them. Because, that day I begged and the Universe relented. I still have a life to sort the battles out. To win shall remain the goal. And Of course, the journey was never meant to be easy. Was it ever? 😉

However, in the past four years, I have also learned to harness my faith in the universe, the elements and the vibrations that whisper noiselessly in our ears. I have learned to listen. I have learned to associate more with what I feel about myself, my surroundings and, the million energies operating around my frequencies. Sometimes, I am disappointed that I haven’t found too many right people to associate with. And at the same, I am also blessed to have the few that I can fall back on without giving a second thought, my keepers after all!

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Every incident as I look back has taught me something along the way. Beginning from tantrums to get into that taxi and not the bus, innocent flirtations in teenage, secret desires in forbidden world that more often than not were quenched in dreams, toxic relationships at a later stage, the unexpected miss in friendships that sank without a trace only because they were the perfect example of shallow advertising, the ugly fights with the loved ones over not being understood, the attack of Myasthenia gravis and the many rumble strips that exposed me to mortal dangers of life without pushing me onto them, but merely brushing them against me! How deep I have felt about everything since then…..After all these years, I finally understand the substantial weightage given to the Universe. It works in tandem with our thoughts, our vibrations, our energies and, our souls.

Once every while, we all need to disconnect with the world to connect with ourselves. Disconnecting with the world is not merely going to a secluded place with family. It also means, disconnecting with the family itself to give oneself the time to understand every thought, every word, every action that stems from the soul. It is important, I tell you. Because, we take our own lives for granted and, we lead the world into believing the same.

Maybe, that is the reason, pregnant fears were born. To make us realize otherwise.

I say – Slay the damn Jabberwocky! But, don’t underestimate its existence. Ever.

ss

 

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3 thoughts on “Disconnect to Connect ~ Part 4

  1. Pingback: Disconnect to Connect  ~ Part 5 | Swimming in an ocean of thoughts.....

  2. Pingback: Words – 100 Grenades with 99 pins. | Swimming in an ocean of thoughts.....

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