Fear, the Pa Mei of Universe


******High Heavens and Deep Hell********

Paranoia is a state of fear gone rogue. Like the character of Kamal Hassan in the movie Tenali. Well, the movie is a comedy that still leaves me in splits….every time I watch it! How amazing it is to portray something as nasty as fear as something so comic!!

Well, the movie ends. And, the humour ends there.

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And then, fear divests itself off its appealing satire and, reveals its nasty side. Fear of unforeseen situations can be exhausting. It is not something we don’t anticipate. It is always there. But, there are a few times when it makes its presence known better. It shakes your core and, brings you back to the ground and reminds you – ‘Not only nothing lasts forever….Even no-one lasts for ever!

Even as the optimist in self explains why it is important to live the present moment (कल किसने देखा है? ), there is always a lingering fear about how long will good things last…..or worse….how long will we have our loved ones around?
……………………………..

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It all began for me with the demise of my maternal uncle in the year 2016.

I had met my uncle in the same year in June and, my son got so attached with his ‘mama tatha’ that they moved around like inseparable siblings. My own conversations with him were never ending queries on science and spirtuality. He had mentioned how he would get me some good books next time we met.

The next time never came.

Little did I know, that meeting was the last of what I would see of my beloved Lakshman mama.

A part of me has been numb since then. The pain of bereavement was never so severe before. For the first time in life as an adult, I yearned to become a child once again, to feel the warmth and presence of the loved ones that have departed……

It was the first time in life that, a death weakened my hopes and strengthened my fears. I did have cold sweats that year because I felt a warm blanket of support being yanked away rudely. It was as though my perception about optimism and good things in life changed overnight. For the second time in life (first being 2013), I was scared of everything unknown. I was very very scared. And suddenly, I just wanted…all my loved ones around be blessed with good health and happiness and enough time to enjoy it.

The subsequent year, I lost my granny.

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Mum and dad lost their most loved ones within a gap of few months and, I could see how silent they have become with time.

Their silence unsettles me at times, given how jovial they are and, how they pick up fights deliberately with each other…. I realized one thing – Old age comes with its own package of fears too…

But then, my responsibilities remind me why I need to be strong for all of us. Yes, the fear is as alive as before. I will NOT lie when I say that each day, as much as I feel indebted to the Universe for blessing me with good people around, I am also shit scared of losing my blessings.

The fear is real.

But maybe, the fear is teaching me something. It is perhaps bleeding my knuckles and, is preparing me to get past every hurdle that awaits me. Maybe, it is trying to show me that the climb uphill will be arduous but, if I have been chosen to traverse it, I will be trained well enough to endure the pains.

Maybe, it is not ‘Maybe’ anymore.

FEAR……indeed is the PA MEI of the Universe.

The ***High Heavens and Deep Hells*** are those alternating patches on our journey of life. And somewhere, deep down I believe….it is the road to perdition that puts enough misery on our path to break us…is what will also lead us to the very purpose of why we are here, living the life we have got…..

Fear is perhaps not to be feared. It is meant to be understood.

But then no one ever said, ‘understanding’ is synonymous to walking on a tight rope on a stormy day.

There is always a catch! BING!“, smiles Destiny!

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