As a single child, I may have subconsciously craved for siblings though my parents made sure I never felt the lack thereof. They played the role of my siblings too. But, the truth is – they are by design, my parents first. However, the absence of siblings never bothered me. A single child always gets an undivided attention and, everything. There is no option of wanting something and not having it, for a single child. Also, my utter disregard for shopping back then, only made life simpler. I had no big aspirations to own anything even though my mum would buy for me, be it dresses or jewelry. Nothing has changed much since then, except one thing –The absence of siblings.
Siblings need not be necessarily your blood. Even cousins play the role of siblings. I have many on my paternal side with whom I share a wonderful wonderful rapport, some of who are more like my elders who I look up to (given the fact that I was biologically late to the family party). The need to connect with them and know them well rises from the fact that my parents ensured we met our uncles and aunts every year and, if not all, the elders at least. That effort was always taken by mum and dad and, that initiative to stay in touch and, know everyone’s wellbeing is what ties the relations together today. I wouldn’t understand the significance of this tradition until much later when I got married. You see, when a happy occassion arrives, you seek a tribe’s blessing. Our culture dictates that, for a good reason so that we all hold each other together in good and bad times alike. My marriage is often remembered with such fondness and respect by all who graced it. That was the first time I truly understood the importance of keeping a connection alive and kicking.
And hence post marriage, I had tried to bond with my immediate maternal side in my own way. But, I quickly realized that connections that are forced seldom thrive. After a while, I had to let it go because it became quite clear that the intent to bond wasn’t strong enough from the other side or, it just wasn’t there. And, somehow, the lack of reciprocity made me take a step back though a part of me still craves to know my younger cousins (me being the eldest) and, given the time lapse and geographical separation in-between for most part of my childhood, it has been quite difficult to bring life to connections that were never sown in the first place. I have made efforts in the past to wish them on birthdays or maybe ‘like’ a few posts on social media. However, one sided connections don’t pull through for long. The truth is, I don’t blame them at all. I understand where they come from. They have only seen and heard what they have been shown and told. And, if there was nothing shown and nothing told, it is quite obvious that there is no semblance of a relationship even if it is blood. When I see the bond among cousins on my husband’s side, I feel overwhelmed. There are all elements in that bond – sharing, drama, fighting, sulking but, in the end they stick together no matter what. They check on each other no matter what. They are there for each other, no matter what. And that kind of a bond exists even when all have carved their own paths. On my maternal side, it is the elders who have faltered. Failed rather in cultivating bonds among children, or making that effort to let the children know the extended family. I don’t ever remember my maternal cousins visiting us when I was in school though, we had visited them (not a sizeable number in comparison) but, once or twice.
I never gave this subject much attention though it always did strike me odd about the zero connection among the siblings on my maternal side. The more I think about it, the clearer it gets about the lack of effort to connect among the elders. It could have been for many reasons, none ever explained. My mother never questioned anyone’s intent given her simple line of thought – “they must be busy!”. She left it to people entirely. I would have too until something triggered me recently, which is exactly why I am writing about it today. I had wanted to invite the elders personally for my son’s thread ceremony, an auspicious coming of age function for the boys. And, I received a very cold shouldered response to it from one particular elder, who I had held in high esteem until then. It wasn’t rude. But, it wasn’t warm either. After a while, conversing became difficult because the intent was made quite clear in the beginning. The least I expected was some enthusiasm but the call went more on the lines of how the call made by me wasn’t quite necessary. Well, the call began that way and ended flat on some other note but, I guess the entire call went from being uncomfortable to worse. The tone of the call did hurt me. And, it hurt deep.
Sometimes, you just get tired of trying to make a connection happen or, receive some acknowledgement that will NEVER come. I could let things go but, the logical side of me tries to find a reason, a good reason. And, as I look back I see the clues. I always have tried to see the good in people first, never doubted the intentions first as most, always believed what was said was true. Now, when I look back at the galore of subtle clues of “Why do you care?”, it kind of hurts. Actually, it hurts not because of the fact that the acknowledgement never came but because, one was stupid enough to believe that the connection wrapped up in sweet words and gifts meant something. It felt like expecting a reed to transform into an exquisite piece of furniture whilst you are holding onto something with a hollow inside. Sometimes, compliments and good wishes from certain people are exactly that. Just words. They don’t mean anything. Truth to be told, I would have rather preferred NOT knowing these people as my relations at all.
Predictably, I have been on a path of disconnecting from people since 2018. Maybe it is life’s way of persuading me to let go of people who have been given too much attention than needed and, in actuality mean little. Sometimes, courage to disown and disconnect from blood often comes from a tiny moment of self realization when you truly understand how little you actually mean to some people and how, the charade of being all goody goody has gone for too long. That moment is silent on the outside yet, profoundly loud to the soul. There is only as much one can give to any relationship. To disconnect is anyday a better alternative to keeping in touch with people who wouldn’t even bother to call on you or, ask your well being unless you make that call.
I have no regrets as of today because I have tried. Noone can say that I didn’t. Also, I have tried hard, quite hard to NOT judge people when every voice in the crowd was busy doing just that – judging. But sometimes, the lack of basic courtsey or acknowledgement rains a tad too much on empathy’s parade. Whatever the reason be, whatever the world is going through, there is NEVER that dearth in time wherein one CANNOT call to ask for even a minute, “How have you been, sis?” OR, “How are your kids?” Etc…
A sharp pain I felt that day after that call indicated how unimportant my invite had been to that elder. It is also strange how I never felt this pain before that call, never felt any of the sadness before that call, never felt excluded before that call. And post that call, it all just unraveled. I think, the delusion shattered and, I was shown a reality that had perhaps existed since the beginning. Like they say, a lie is always sweet. Truth is bitter. It is, truly.
I guess, this hurt will also pass. Might pass pretty soon. But, I will always remember the tone of that call. And that tone will always remind me why some people though related by blood, are as good or bad as the strangers we have never met.
Essentially, the takeaway is – not all related by blood will be your relations. It is OK to disconnect from them who have nothing more to offer beyond sugar dipped plaudits that mean zilch.
This post came from a place of hurt. I haven’t confronted the elder and, never will for, I don’t have time or energy to engage with people in denial of their behaviour or, how I may have “misunderstood” It all. Besides, even misunderstandings for that matter come from a place of understanding. So yeah, that is that.
Lessons have been learned. Hard way, yes. But, better late than never – Disconnect before the hurt bleeds. Right? Right.😁
Swimming in an ocean of thoughts..... 