#NarayaniInPonderLust
I have shared this before. And I am sharing it again. The image below. Because it hits hard. It cuts deep. Anyone who has been through this grief would know that feeling. The feeling of severe disillusionment that drives you to choose between two unfortunate outcomes, is often not taken seriously.
While people on the fringes find it odd and sometimes, rude that relations in family can be cut off so easy. Nope. It is not easy. It never is. There is a difference. Some stay aloof right from the start. They may be blood but they know better to not singe themselves persistently to make a relationship work. And there are some that put in their goodwill to work, build a stable relationship with the difficult ones, in the process cutting themselves, bleeding themselves and gaining severe anxiety and panic attacks for life.
Sometimes, certain bonds need to be cut off not because people don’t matter. But because, for some kind in the world, the world hardly matters. It is only when the connections have been severed, the perpetrators stumble out of their slumber of ignorance, angry and bewildered about how did courage find its way after all?
Delusion for some is real. Apology is not a deluded person’s cup of tea. To apologize, one must feel deep regret. And, regret comes from the basic realization that one has done some wrong. If a person is not aware of the basic difference between right and wrong, he or she sure would never be aware of the fact, that doing wrong has consequences and they are not good.
I have met people who often pass an ascerbic remark in the garb of humor. By ascerbic, I mean a joke that shatters someone’s self esteem into a million pieces. It is never a joke. It is never funny to belittle someone in a public forum and get away saying it was in light humor. I have also observed on umpteen occassions, the hurt person is labelled as sensitive and is often advised against being too sensitive.
I wonder if these perpetrators often wondered why the other kind often held their tongues when the rage they cage within could have literally finished off any ounce of self esteem and pride with words that could spiral the former into an abyss of self loathing. They held their tongues and they continue to hold their tongues because they know that pain and, they know it is unbearable.
A couple of years ago, I had to take that call of disconnecting completely from a dear relative, I once shared warm memories with. She was there for a major part of my life. Initially, the acid tongued attacks did prick but I continued to swallow the jibes assuming that is how families are, given I grew up in a nuclear family and I assumed that when people come together, these things happen. Also, Not everyone is tailored from the same cloth – as my parents would put it. And then, as decades went by, the words got worse. The anger behind those words came from a very unhealthy space of envy and loathing. For a major part of my life, I could predict those attacks but soon, they came when I least expected them. And after 3 plus decades, I took a step that I never thought I was capable of. I just stopped talking one day. The decision wasn’t fueled by resentment. Sadly, the propelling force behind the call was fatigue. The fatigue of having let the charade play for too long. It was in that moment it struck me – Narcissists have an uncanny ability of slow bleeding anything that is warm and happy and, end up resurrecting a cold form of life in anyone they meet.
The severance took me a lot of time to feel normal again. It pained me like never before. Even with a loving family I am blessed with, the pain was too severe to process. That is what that grief does. It kills something within. A sense of belonging that sprang somewhere in childhood in all its warmth and glory is no longer there now. The scar of that pain still glows a red. Atleast it doesn’t burn as it did when the severance happened.
It has been more than 3 years now. I am in a good space today by God’s grace. I won’t say I am healed completely as, a part of me desperately wishes for things to go back to normal. Also, today I am extra careful when making connections and I bundle up all the courage within to NEVER let anyone ever talk disrespectfuly to me or my family ever again. I now come across as aloof to many but I am happy that way. I am no longer interested in making connections that will drain me to make me feel hopeless. I take a long long time to open up to people these days. A lot of what I write on social media is just an outcome of my trajectory as a person. Not many are privy to the details of the journey that led me to become the ‘me’ of today. I am also wary of people who go overboard in praising or critiquing. My guards go up instantly when people are too sweet. I am not keen on appeasing anyone. Let’s say – I am happy NOT knowing or entertaining people or, their issues. For, everyone has issues. Who doesn’t in this (in)sane world?
It is funny how I turned from a people’s person to a self loving one across a span of almost 4 decades. There was a time when I did need people to be around. I was happy to attend weddings, parties and social gatherings, loved meeting people, making connections etc… Now, I am not thrilled about meeting anyone outside my circle.
Today, my circle is small but it is a tight one, by God’s grace. I like to speak with a chosen few because they water the blooms of creativity and optimism in my headspace. Also, it has taken me so so long to realize that it is OK to disconnect with people who enjoy bleeding others with harsh words only because it gives their morale a boost or, makes them feel incredibly good about themselves. The call I made back towards the end of pandemic was perhaps the best decision I took because ever since, my physical and mental state of health has improved.
Also, for the ones who sitting on the fences and judging people and feeling a gush of empathy towards the perpetrators – I have just two words for you – Bless you!
Narcissists wield some weird power over the world around. Their energies are dark and more often than not, people are scared to call them out lest they become their target. I have had many who would say the same in private about the person having a Hanzo sword for a tongue. But, in the public forum, everyone puts up the pretense of cordiality with elan. In the wake of this collosal delusion that seeps into the collective, the victim is often portrayed as weak and overtly sensitive for feeling hurt, for not speaking up, for seeking too much attention and worse, often is chided/insulted/ridiculed for holding a different line of thought.
My advice to all those who are in their path to break free from such bonds –
Don’t give in to that energy, ever. You have every right to secure your mental health. Don’t ever let the world delude you into believing that you are way too sensitive. Being sensitive is not bad. Being insensitve is. It is strange how the world has been tuned to believe that being sensitive is weak. Yes, to be sensitive also comes with the added clause of being sensible. But, being insensitive? It comes with no responsibility, just a power gush of – I can get away with anything!
Don’t feed that energy or the people with that energy. Not worth it. Never was. Never is. Never will be.
Swimming in an ocean of thoughts..... 